i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
