just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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