Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
zippers are such a cool invention
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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