I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
