I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
