The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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