So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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