is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
