Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize