Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
