Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
