I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
