Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
