I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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