Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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