I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
