I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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