just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
