I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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