I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize