this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
