Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
