I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
