He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
