I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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