i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I enjoy the company of your penis
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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