I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
