my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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