woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
