Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
