Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
