um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
