At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
