Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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