I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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