I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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