I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
is that a dick in a sweater?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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