More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
