hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
