Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
