my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize