I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
