Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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