the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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