am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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