How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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