I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
