dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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