I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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