he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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