i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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